Killing Me Softly


Love at first sight? Doesn’t exist. Nope.

Soul mates? A bedtime story for teenage girls.

One’s first love, however, unforgettable.

It’s been three years since my first love, in my friend’s case, four. We’re both equally over our ex’s and concur that if we ever saw them again it would not be a pretty sight. Not after what they did, not after all the pain and tears.

And yet buried deep (and I mean deep) in our hearts, past the protective barricade we’ve created, through the scars of the past, and just after all the repressed memories and pain, lies this glimmer, this annoying little glimmer that hammers away at the depths of our soul, reminding us after a familiar smell, touch, or sight, the crazy-in-love feelings we had for our ex-boyfriends in the past.

Thus initiates the domino effect, with our brains quickly lighting up those same scars we drove past, and a dose of reality comes flying, smacking us right in the face for even acknowledging this feeling, reminding us of all the wrong done to us, and how we’d be better off dating a gorilla (at least they’re protective of their territory).

In spite of all this, the cycle repeats again and again, because no matter what we do we can never turn off that pesky little glimmer that torments us in such an obnoxious manner. It’s frustrating, to say the least.

What is it about our first love that has such a stronghold on us? It’s as if there’s an emotional parasite that invades our body from the first kiss, attaching itself deep within us, and endlessly feeds off of our energy.

Or is it that because, at the time, our hearts are so pure and untouched, that the first guy we fall for in such a strong manner gets to take up most of that vacant space, and only after we’re hurt do we realize that we should ration our hearts more consciously?

For now, I have no ailment for this pesky parasite. All I can do is pray for someone better to come along, someone even more amazing that will drown out any spark left within my heart from that foolish first love.

Until then, the glimmer tirelessly hammers away, killing me softly…


About thepersiancloset

Hey there! I'm a gay Iranian-American raised in the US, studying Dentistry and hoping to open up my own practice some day. Being brought up in a Persian household proved (and proves!) to be difficult when my very liberal gay self clashes with the more conservative members of the household. Follow me on a week to week journey of growing up Gay in the Persian closet!
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