I love dreams. They tell us so much about our conflicts in our lives and how to go about facing them. In dreams you don’t block out pain or fear, you confront it.

A dream I had last night sparked this blog entry.

In the dream, I was throwing a huge celebration, one that I had put my heart and soul into to perfect. And out of nowhere comes no other but my ex-boyfriend, looking amazing, in better shape than I, glowing with all smiles, and becoming the center of attention. The dream ended with him telling me that he had moved a town over from me four years ago, news which was a blow to my self-esteem, to have moved a few minutes away and not have come to see me even once in four years till now?

Back in reality of the awake, it was time for reflection.

Three realizations set it in: He appeared in my dream because subconsciously I knew that Autumn was our most beautiful time together. Him moving close and not talking to me for four years was in conjunction with the fact that we broke up four years ago and haven’t kept in touch. Finally, the sheer power he had on me at the party and my self-esteem just shows me how much that man has shaped me.

The fact of the matter is, the people who we first give our hearts to, who we experience love and sex with, who have our entire being at their disposal, are also (and naturally) the ones who shape how we see and treat our dates in the future.

Some people luck out, for they get married to that first true love and never have to worry about how they treat others because there is no need to date.

While the rest of us are forced to go through a breakup, and how that man or woman treats you during that break up, how much pain is inflicted, what horrible things are said, and how you feel about yourself thereafter plays a huge role in how you interact with men or women in the future.

The first man I gave my heart to, the one who till this day haunts me in my dreams, decided that it’d be best if I was torn to shreds of unrecognizable pieces. He knew that he was my first, he knew that he was the only one I had given my world  to, and yet he acted in a way to ensure that I wouldn’t be able to love like that again. The way that my ex treated me has shaped how I treat men I date today, cautiously and consciously, with a big electric fortified fence around my heart.

So be as kind as possible to people who give their hearts to you, even in breakups, because you’ll have a hand in shaping their personality and future too.

Keep dreaming. Keep reflecting. Grow.


About thepersiancloset

Hey there! I'm a gay Iranian-American raised in the US, studying Dentistry and hoping to open up my own practice some day. Being brought up in a Persian household proved (and proves!) to be difficult when my very liberal gay self clashes with the more conservative members of the household. Follow me on a week to week journey of growing up Gay in the Persian closet!
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2 Responses to Shapen

  1. Jahan says:

    I just stumbled upon your blog somewhat by accident…and I must say that I can relate to quite a bit of what you wrote here! In fact, after reading several more of your posts, I found that your blog hit rather close to home as I too am gay, Persian and often find myself contemplating several of the same issues that you bring up. Well, that being said, you write beautifully and I’m glad to have found a new blog to follow! 🙂 Keep up the wonderful work!

    As for relating to this post…each person deals with break ups their own way, and this may not help, but I see break ups to be much like a storm in the way they can ravage you. Nonetheless, never let another person’s rain drown you in sorrow, never let another person’s thunder overtake the beat of your heart, and never let another person’s lightening blind you of the potential of a new love. In time someone will find a way to get passed that electric fortified fence, and you will be glad they did…in the mean time, maybe try to turn off the current flowing through that fence every so often, to give a guy a fighting chance?

    • Salam Jahan jan,

      Thank you very much for your kind words. I’m glad that my blog was relatable and hopefully stirred up some emotion within you, or at least some provoked some thought.

      As for your advice, men have come and gone since my first breakup, and to use your own analogy, they were mere Spring showers compared to the tornado that was the ending to my first love story. Nevertheless, as human beings we owe it to ourselves to try and move on and grow from our experiences.

      I try to give it all in relationships, and the way I see it, any man who wants to win my heart better be willing to get a cut or two trying to jump that barbwire fence 😉

      Glad to have you as a follower, I’ll try not to let you down.
      Khoda negahdar.

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